The Worst Three Words of Christmas: Some Assembly Required

I have faced you oh evil, diabolical toy/furniture instructions. I have been confronted with your Step One: Part 6 attaches to Part 7 with G-screw and D-connection and beaten you.

Let me tell you now, the worst three words of Christmas are some assembly required.

Who are the people who write directions for the construction of children's toys and furniture? Did they see no future in torture employing thumb screws and hot coals?

They must write this stuff and just laugh and laugh and laugh at all the hair-pulling (well, not in my case) that they have subjected parents to around the world when it comes to putting these projects together.

They must be related to the people who develop the national budget.

On Christmas Eve my task was to build my daughter's three-story Savannah Doll house, which was a surprise gift that was supposed to be set up in her room on Christmas morning.

After a long day of work, family church service and a nice evening at home enjoying Christmas Eve I just had to grab a nap. So I sat in my chair and dozed from about 9:15pm until around 10:30.

It was then upstairs to my daughter's room - regular and Phillips head screwdrivers in hand - to take on the house that arrived in a box that was nearly as tall as Carrie Davis.

All I can tell you is that I needed close to an hour to complete Step One. Connecting the foundation of the Savannah Doll House required a contractor. It's a shame there were no real-life Bob the Builders available at that point of the night.

Here's one of the main messages that I want to pass along to those Tab A-into-Slot B on steroids folks: I only have two hands.

If I'm supposed to hold two pieces together and connect them with a screw while maintaining a hold on a small joint that contains the threading to attach the screw, that requires three hands.

I put one part of the home together and realized I'd put one part in backwards thus I had to take it apart and then reassemble. From start to finish, building the Savannah Doll house only took two and a half hours. I must say that it does look good.

So when I laid my head down on the pillow at just before 2:00am Christmas morning, I was down for a long winter's nap.

And then that little munchkin of a daughter was in our room at 4:45am, all fired up to start opening Christmas presents.

We held her off until 5:00am and our Christmas opening of stockings and gifts was done just before seven o'clock that morning.

Here's my instruction sheet for what I'm building this afternoon, once News Channel 7 at Noon is complete:

1. Drive home.
2. Take off work clothes.
3. Get in bed.
4. Turn off lights, TV and close door.

If I run into any difficulties or have pieces missing for completion of that construction, my switchboard will open promptly late Saturday morning!