College Football Needs a "Cash For Clunkers" Program

If the federal government was so interested in getting gas-guzzling cars off our roads, perhaps our lawmakers will propose a bailout that will help a growing population of people who really need it.

College football fans need a Cash For Clunkers program.

We're not through the first full extended weekend of the season and there are thousands of fans who could benefit from a $4,500 rebate to get out of their pride-guzzling football program and into an ego-saving team to watch.

There are plenty of customers:

ACC
Lawmakers only need to glance about 120 miles to the southwest to note the depression of Virginia football fans. The Cavaliers fell to Division 1-AA (sorry NCAA, I don't recognize your new FBS, FCS alphabet soup) William & Mary 26-14. Virginia had seven turnovers and the first choruses of "Groh Must Go" have echoed across Scott Stadium.

Duke loses to 1-AA Richmond 26-14 in Durham. The Spiders did win the National Championship last year, but if David Cutcliffe is supposed to end "the same old Duke football" then he'll have to recover from this example of "the same old Duke football."

And N.C. State against South Carolina?

The Wolfpack could only muster 133 yards of total offense against the Gamecocks and that was with quarterback Russell Wilson at the controls. And N.C. State fans will have to rely on Coach Tom O'Brien for solace; the face that launched a thousand longer faces.

The Big Ten
The conference did go 10-1 on opening weekend, but barely dodged some major embarrassments.

Ohio State - one week before a must-win to save Big 10 pride game against Southern Cal - holds off a two-point conversion try that could have let Navy ties the Buckeyes in Columbus.

Iowa had to block two, that's TWO, potential game-winning field goal attempts in the final seconds to hold off 1-AA Northern Iowa.

Indiana forced a fumble by 1-AA Eastern Kentucky and then knocked down a legitimate pass in the end zone to hold off the Colonels 19-13.

Illinois showed the Fighting Illini aren't ready for prime time with a 30-9 humbling again to Missouri.

Big East
Louisville finally put 1-AA Indiana State away 30-10 after trailing early 7-3. The Cardinals triumph comes over a team that lost to Quincy one week ago. On Saturday night, Quincy lost 72-3 to Southeast Missouri State.

Now I've only scratched the surface of college football fan discontent. And these fans have no hope as they wait for the next saviour coach and his five year plan.

So I say the government should offer each fan a $4,500 rebate to switch from backing the Cavaliers, Blue Devils, Hoosiers or Cardinals and put them into a nice 2009 University of Florida or University of Texas new football team.

That $4,500 would go for buying new logo-enhanced wear of their new school. Those fans also might want to attend a game of their new team and may need to spend a few thousand dollars for tickets or part of a seat license.

Not to mention the needless pain and suffering endured from decades of following some of the programs I listed above.

And if you think my Cash For Clunkers idea sounds foolish, that's nothing compared to a fact of life about college football.

If Oklahoma goes undefeated the rest of the season, the Sooners will play for the National Championship. Brigham Young, which beat the Sooners Saturday night, will be playing in another bowl even if they go the rest of the season without a loss.

And I'm crazy?

If the government is willing to pay a $4,500 rebate for clunker cars...

..why can't they fork over some money to allow football fans to escape clunker programs like al Groh's at Virginia?

(Photos courtesy The Associated Press)